The birth of Trash Empress
In 2013, while doing my undergraduate BFA in Painting I was taking a studio course under Matt Bollinger. In classic art school style, he assigned us to do self-portraits. Up until that point, I was using art to avoid so much of my life, so doing a reflective piece like a self-portrait filled me with a lot of negative feelings: anger, disgust, judgment which I projected on others. It was also the peak of selfie culture in general here in America, so I felt as if painting myself was a completely self-absorbed thing to do and so ‘mainstream’. Basically, I devalued myself so much that I believed anything else was more important to explore in the world than my sense of self and I would come up with any reason to avoid it. Unfortunately, there was no avenue of avoidance with this one, I had to paint it. It was our final piece for the semester and a major part of the grade.
In basically a fit of annoyance which led to spite, I had the idea I would spoof regal portraiture which I happened to be studying at the time in Art History classes. All the grandeur and decadence of royalty both enamored and revolted me. Enamored because, obviously, I wish I lived with such decadence and revolted because how could people live with so much while so many others have suffered for them to have it. Me being one of those people who suffered since I grew up with very little with a single mom who was a drug addict enduring countless traumas.
So out of this conflict of emotions, longing for more and recognizing my past, birthed the Empress of Trash: the feels of trailer trash in art school.
Matt gave me a rave critique of the work which stays with me to this day (if you ever happen to find this and read it Matt thank you). He said the concept and execution was “on level with Old Master’s work.” After a hard semester, I went home and cried hearing those words. It was the highest compliment someone has and still to this point ever has paid me for my work and it was for one of the few pieces I did intentionally to reflect on myself.
Then at the end of 2014 for my BFA Graduation show, Trash Empress was reborn, or more accurately destroyed and reassembled to a true reflection of my psyche. ‘Gingham Check’ was the title of the show and explored my identity (which I was done running from at this point but still struggling how to express it) in relation to Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder which I manage from extensive childhood trauma. Empress was cut apart and reassembled on a quilt I was raped on. The whole show was assemblage works of paintings on quilts or deconstructed paintings reassembled into quilts with her was the focus.
Reflecting back on it, I put her on that quilt as a way to feel like she was protecting a part of me from what happened. While we maybe all scrambled up from what has happened to us, she’s still there always watching over me.
After that, I moved to California and I retired the Empress for a short while, until I moved into my current home 3 years ago. We started having underground art shows and I felt like the Empress manifesting, ringleading a lot of trashy, arty chaos. Instead of fighting it as I have in the past, I just accepted my fate, and went full into it. I assumed the pseudonym of Trash Empress for my artwork and away I went.
I started by making works from literal trash I found around our squat of a house and the neighborhood. I even did a giant installation made of trash of my throne, which the pictures are lost for now. These were an exercise in finding beauty in all.
Over the last few years, as I accept and develop her as part of my identity through art, she morphed for me into my higher superego that serves a lot of purposes — mostly to keep my brain together with the chaos of having multiple identities in it & spread the love of radical self-acceptance — even if you feel like trash, or others call you trash, you are valid and beautiful.
You can find my works on my website or follow me on Twitter: @EmpressTrash or Instagram @Trash_Empress
